675-12-26 - Pains of Growing

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Pains of Growing
Summary: The King and Princess Luanda have a talk.
Who: Barret Brais and Luanda Brais
References: re:Barbeta Brais, re:Nathan Onimus, re: Sigrid Bjornsvartr
When: December 26th
Related Logs: Happens right after 675-12-26 - Luanda's Return
Date of RP: 02/01/2015
Where: Solar - Mergorand Castle, Beresgond, Two Rivers
Room Desc: This room is usually very light during the day, as several windows allow the rays of the sun to enter. There is a table with chairs in one corner of the room, allowing for small meals to be taken there, as well as engaging in games of dice and cards. In anther part of the room, in front of a hearth of moderate size is a group of very comfortable wooden chairs, all of which have the coat of arms of House Brais carved into their backs. Here one can often find some noblemen engaged in the casual light conversation about current politics, as well as the occasional group of ladies exchanging the latest gossip whilst practicing their needlework. A door at the side leads out onto a large terrace, where the magnificent view over the Plains of Perescan can be enjoyed. During especially warm days the terrace is a popular gathering place as well, as it has been designed to give the impression of a charming little garden - with plants and flowers in clay pots placed at strategic places, as well as a flower bed to the far side.


The king had withdrawn from the Feasting Hall, after his daughter Luanda did not seem at ease at all there. The signs had been obvious, the nervous looks, the awkwardness, then tears that had flown over her cheeks. All in all it was clear that something was wrong with the princess, a thing that called for a more private context, if Barret wanted to find out what was wrone with her. He had led the way, up the stairs, all the way up to the solar, a nod towards the guards indicating that he and his daughter were not to be disturbed. Without losing a word he had moved over to the comfortable seating area, then turned to watch Luanda to make sure she followed along before he sat down, concern and worry clearly visible in his dememanour. "What is wrong, Luanda," he finally intones, in the low grumble that is so characteristic for him, his brown eyes studying her attentively.

The walk is a gruelling test of her unsupported ankle, and Luanda sinks gracelessly into the nearest chair, and for a moment she just sits with her eyes closed. Then she sighs softly and shakes her head. "Why, Father? Why am I not.... not good enough?"

The question baffles him, it is obvious from the way his brows are raised, and the moment he needs to gather his thoughts to form a reply. But instead of an answer comes another question: "Good enough? For what? You are the Golden Leaf, Luanda. You /are/ good enough, and even more than that.", he tells her.

"Barbeta married a king. A barbarian king, but still. And the Ningo prince is flirting with Aeryn. Me... I do not even have yet a marriage proposal. And... I stayed in a land where women are better than men. Now... how can that be? In the Isles it is the women who rule. In Two Rivers it is the men. For the Ningo... they are equal. Father.... you love me. You value me. I do not question that." Luanda hiccups softly, fighting back tears. "But you need a son. Why did I have to be born a worthless girl?"

The reply is by no means what the king had expected to hear. "Barbeta married a Patrician, yes," he finally concedes. "But that does by no means diminish your worth, Luanda. As for Aeryn," he gives a light shrug, although there is a fond expression entering his gaze. "It's the red hair that draws this Domitianus' attention. I doubt there is much more behind that, really. But I am glad I have you still here with me. Barbeta left. She is a Ningo now. And the Isles..." he chuckles, "they have different customs." A darkness conquers his face, when his sons are mentioned, there is a hard look about his eyes. "My sons are dead," he states, "and you are my eldest daughter, Luanda. Now tell me... is that all that troubles you? Or has there occured something in the Isles, apart from that horrible pirate adventure. Something that would have you shy away from a match to the House Onimus?"

"No. Though I rather fancy the youngest of them...." Luanda bows her head. "It's just...." She shakes her head. "It's..." She draws in a deep breath. "I just wish I could do.... *more* for you... for the kingdom. But I'll never be.... more than I am now." She folds her hands in her lap. "I don't know how to say what I am trying to say."

Barret exhales. It is as if the air that leaves his lungs robs him of some of his regal posture. He is silent for a moment, pondering the words Luanda says to him. "You are already carrying a huge responsibility," he says then, in the low rumble of his voice. "More than Barbeta has carried before she was wed. I am still not sure she is already fit to carry that load that she was so eager for. She...has always been the little girl to me, the rebel, always discontent with her role in life." A bit of sadness can perceived in Barret's demeanour now that he speaks of Barbeta. "Even now, she is far removed from me emotionally. She may be pregnant, although I feel it was important for her to tell me about this in person. To see how I would react."

"So... How can you really tell what the future may bring? Your role in life has not yet been decided, and you arleady have a very important position. I would be glad if you did not oppose the match, and... what? You already fancy one of them? That is joyful news." Although Barret must have heard already about it, from Lord Ralph's report. "You serve our kingdom, like I do. This is not about some... vain considerations, who will get the more powerful husband, Luanda. The Isles and Two Rivers need this bond. And the status of men in that country gives us the opportunity to have you remain here. With me."

"I.... It is not about power or vanity, father. I just...." Luanda sighs softly. "I learned too many of my brothers' lessons. I think unwomanly thoughts." Her lips twist into a pained smile. "I just want you to be happy and Two Rivers to be safe. And for its future to be assured. I will not fail you in *that*, at least."

"Unwomanly thoughts...?" Barret echoes, brows lifting. "What is that supposed to mean? That you would want more power? To have me change the betrothal conditions to include you in the succession line of the Isles? Princess Madalyn will be the queen after Queen Abegayle dies. Her health has not been the best lately, as I have heard. "Speak to me, Luanda. I am but your poor father, a man who cannot look into the intriguing psyche of women. Don't leave me guessing, give me facts, and I will try to help where I can." A shake of his head comes in reaction to her last remark. "You have never failed me, Luanda. Your love and support has helped me through much of the last year."

"Oh no, Father, I don't want to rule the Isles!" Luanda shudders. But then she lifts her head. "I just..." She sighs softly. "I..." She closes her eyes and draws in a deep breath. "I just want you to know something. Something that might ease your mind. I do not ask for things to change. I do not want to do anything more than serve you and Two Rivers. But..." She bites her lip hard enough to make it bleed. "Just know.... should your betrothed not bear a son... should Uncle Argon not..." Another deep breath. "I studied my brothers' lessons with my own. I'll never excel at needlepoint, father. My daughters are doomed." A hint of a smile. "But I learned enough to .... to hold things together until a... a suitable man might be found." She hiccups. "Am I making sense?"

Barret listens. Then shakes his head. "Are you asking me not to marry?" The bewilderment in his wrinkled features is obvious. "What would be, if neither I nor Argon would not manage to father a heir, Luanda? You are... pitying the fate your daughters may have, but then, does that mean you don#t wish to have any children at all?" The king is trying hard to understand, but his daughter speaks obviously in riddles, so he tosses some suggestions at her to find out what her true concern is.

"No, Father. You must marry. As must I." Luanda reaches out her hand to him. "Forgive me. I am.... trying to say...." She draws in a slow breath. "If you and Uncle Argon should not sire heirs.... should mine or Barbeta's children be too young.... do not fear for the kingdom, Father."

"Your children would certainly be too young. If I..." he clears his throat, "when I will die. The Royal Council will deal with the matters of the kingdom until such an heir would reach the age of 15. You are part of that Council. I am relieved that will be the case, as it means you will have a say in things." Barret's eyes are shifting to meet Luanda's gaze. "Is /that/ your concern?"

"When you die." Luanda shudders. "I don't know how long I spent tossed about in the sea. Don't know how many days I was kept a prisoner. I just know that death was always there, standing behind my left shoulder. Watching. Sometimes I dozed and dreamed that he offered me my life for yours. Sometimes I was back in the plague winter, bringing the dying girl home, bringing the plague here. Every one of them a drop of water in the sea, all the faces of the dead. It should have been me, father. Not them. Not the sons you need. What is wrong with me? I have a woman's body instead of a man's. If I were a man, you need not worry for the future of the kingdom. I wish I could go back and save one of them and give myself up instead."

"Oh... Luanda...", Barret sighs, the fondness in his demeanour soon mingling with grief. "Do not blame yourself. You did not bring the plague. Don't feel guilty about staying alive when others died. Noone can bring them back to us. You know that. Such are idle thoughts, that do not help. Free yourself of the past, child. Be with me. Here. Now. Allow yourself a bit of happiness. If such could be found with the prince you say you fancy, who could fault you for that? Be glad that I am still around. Barbeta. The little things in life. You have been through hard times, but you must not allow them to keep you from living your life, Luanda!"

"But I can't be what you really need, Father. I can't be what you need for you to be happy. I can't be your heir." There. She's said it. "All I can do is hope to be good enough. But I couldn't keep Madalyn from being hurt. I couldn't save anyone on the ship. So many.... I can't *do* anything. I'm sorry, Father." She gets up to pace, then yelps and sinks back onto the chair.

"You are what I need, Luanda," the king contradicts vehemently. "I need my daughters. They are all I have left. Stop talking such nonsense or it will break my heart." A low grumble comes from his chest as he rises, obviously not in a state to sit and listen patiently anymore. "I am sure you helped Princess Madalyn. After all, Lord Ralph told me he gave you some means to hold onto, to keep you from drowning. He asked you to take care of Princess Madalyn. She is still alive. So are you." He pauses and shoots her a glance. "is this about you wanting to take up male occupations? We have knights to do the sword fighting. But if it would be the only thing to make you happy, so be it." He shrugs, before he shakes his head. "Just tell me /how I can help you/, child. To make you feel better. I am running out of ideas."

"Hold me. Hold me so that I know this isn't another dream. When I was on that ship before it sank.... for our people... I had to be... more than Luanda. I had to be Princess. Princess when you weren't there. I was so afraid. I gave commands. So did Lord Fennim but I.... gave commands, father. And maybe the wave was the punishment of the waters. Or maybe I did right. But still I had to be more than me. I had to be the heart of Two Rivers away from Two Rivers. Now that I am home I have to learn how to be just me again. I've changed. Grown. I have to fit myself in again."

The plea for a hug comes and will not remain unanswered. Barret moves over to his daughter, and give her a hug, his arms moving about her frail frame to stay there for a time. "Hold you I will," he assures her with a low grumble. "I am sure you did fine, on the ship. This is all about growing, it never stops. Actually, even I need to adapt to new developments every day. To deal with new grief, but also to experience happy moments. You /are/ the heart of Two Rivers. I am only the eyes and the mind. I may neglect the matters of the heart now and then. Pray me remind me when that is the case." Finally the king releases her, and a nod comes to her words. "I am proud of you." The smile he gives her is genuine enough.

"I do not mean to grieve you further. Please forgive me, Father." Luanda wipes at her cheeks. "And father? *I* am proud of you. I couldn't ask for a better father. My Prince shall have a hard example to live up to." She bends down and rubs at her ankle. "I should rest this... or I sha'n't be able to dance at your wedding." Then she tilts her head. "When shall it be? And... when shall I be wed?"

Barret smiles when Luanda says she is proud of him. "I am sure he will manage," he says with a low chuckle. Her next remark has him shoot her a concerned glance. "You should. Ah... the wedding..." Another sigh leaves his lips. "It has been delayed. But I hope, Lady Sigrid will arrive in the next two weeks. Her eldest daughter, Eilif. She has fallen ill, and the mother did not want to leave her before she was on her way to recovery. Which is the case now. Also.... with you disappeared I haven't been in a mood to rush the matter. Now that you are back I am ready to face this." Challenge. "The wedding will happen in February, if all goes well. As for yours... There are some things left to negotiate. But I believe you will be betrothed to Prince Nathan Onimus. Which would mean a wedding in spring as well, if that is agreeable to you."

"The sooner the better, Father." Luanda looks up, and there is a flash of humor in her eyes. "I'd like to at least be wed before Barbeta has her child. Else I will never hear the end of it." She holds her hand out to him. "It will mend in time, Father. I just need someone to help me to my rooms. And then I will rest it." She sighs. "I love you so very much. I... I am glad to be home. And beyond glad to see you again."

There is a rumble in his chest that rises until it becomes clear it is laughter. "We should better hurry then," Barret affirms, as he takes her hand to help her rise from the seat. "If you don't mind, I will see you to your rooms, personally. It is good you're back." The latter admitted once again with a sigh. And so the two royals leave the solar, father and daughter, although the parent moves much more gracefully as the child, for once.